WHe lives in hard times. The Internet has reduced us all to thousands of highly identifiable tribes, all sitting in angry and steadfast opposition to one another. At our worst, it feels like humanity may never be able to agree on anything again. But a miracle happened this week. Two photos have been posted online. Two images immediately united the whole world in one universally agreed opinion. And that opinion is: The Barbie movie looks pretty good.
Although this was already a consensus, since it would be directed by Greta Gerwig From a script I co-wrote with Noah Baumbach, the photos of the two threads make it without a doubt. Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, is instantly as Barbie as you can imagine, all blonde hair, smiles, and a bright pink car. Her Barbie looks like a version of Ruby Sharon Tate, or the character Ruby from The Wolf of Wall Street. Casting is perfect.
And then there Ryan Gosling. Gosling will play Ken in Barbie and again, it’s a role he was born to play. His hair is bleached peroxide blonde, as if it was in The Place Beyond the Pines. His stomach and arms muscles are displayed, as if in Crazy, Stupid, Love. He has an impenetrable facial expression, as he did in most of the Blade Runner movie. Dress him up – which, apart from the underwear, consists entirely of brushed denim – and there’s a very strong chance that this will be his defining role.
The casting is so perfect, in fact, that it may require a rethink when it comes to cinematic adaptations of game franchises. So far, the instinct has been pretty much to either dump everyone in incoherent CGI sludge (Transformers) or just dump the closest A-lister no matter how good they fit into the role (The Rock in GI Joe: Retaliation).
Let’s start now. With the internet’s breaking power of Gosling and Robbie Barbie’s photos, the smartest thing we can do is attach the next superstars to yet-to-be-made toy movies ASAP.
For a while, Barbie lost her rhythm to Bratz dolls. A set of tacky, uncomfortable, sexually themed fashion dolls. There was an attempt in 2007 to make a Bratz movie, but the movie failed for all reasons, not least because the stars weren’t (and still are) famous enough. If Bratz is to succeed at the box office, it needs leads — like the puppets — that have become neglected and neglected since their heyday in the early 2000s. This is why she needs to feature Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Tara Reid.
A perennial favorite, thanks to its jelly-infused limbs, Stretch Armstrong hasn’t yet translated into movies. God knows Hollywood has tried, though, to cast Tim Allen, Taylor Lautner, and Danny DeVito on several failed adaptations. The problem, you suspect, is that they haven’t found the right extension yet. Stretch Armstrong is a rugged blonde, cute but sporty. It takes a very special person to play it, which is why I would suggest literally any Hollywood actor named Chris.
Strawberry Shortcake was one of the very popular greeting card icons that became a sensation in the 1980s. Although she still exists as a persistent IP — most recently in the Netflix animated film Strawberry Shortcake: Berry in the Big City — she has yet to receive the full Barbie treatment. And the best way to do that is to put Emma Stone in a big hat and let her do whatever she wants.
Readers of a certain age will remember Cindy as the British antagonist of Barbie. Less famous and inferior to its American counterpart, however, Cindy attracted the ire of Barbie’s creators, Mattel, who promptly filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against its manufacturers for allegedly tearing up their well-known innovations. As such, it seems only fair that Cindy’s movie should star Robbie after a botched round of plastic surgery and several disastrous dental procedures.
he is a man
There is already a Masters of the Universe movie in production, and filming begins next year. The champion has already been selected, and he will play Kyle Allen from He-Man West side story. But this seems like a mistake. Judging by all the pictures of Allen online, he looks too young to play with the Eternia defender. Instead, we need someone a little older, with bleached blonde hair, fly-away stomachs, and a skin tone just a little less radiant. That’s right, Ken from Barbie-Ryan Gosling should be playing He-Man.
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