Destination Canada

Canada gulls
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Canada is paradise. A pine-filled terra firma of love and compassion, where we cheerfully trade in the bombast of the rockets’ red glare for our glorious and free home and native land. In these uncertain times, don’t you want to live in a country where everyone knows your name? Where your biggest concerns are what time the Maple Leafs game starts, or how many apple fritters are left at Tim Horton’s?

Then come up north! Canadians have a well earned reputation as clean, docile, friendly people, and we covet that reputation while doing shockingly little to maintain it!


Canada: where everything is fine we swear.

Not only is our Prime Minister a hunky dreamboat, but he also talks in a very socially progressive way, and occasionally acts in that way, too! Oh, he might have broken a few promises here and there, but look at that face! Who needs electoral reform when you have rippling biceps and an adorable chin? Who needs clean water when you have that hair?

And let’s not forget that sweet, sweet healthcare!

That’s right, if you’re a Canadian citizen or landed immigrant, your health care is completely and totally free! As long as you don’t need dental care, eye care, prescriptions, long-term care, home care, birth control, or “non-essential” surgeries, you won’t have to pay a cent. Our doctors may be few, and our waiting lists may be long, but they are here to serve you with top-notch medical care and endless referrals. I mean, what’s a six-month wait when you’re dealing with crippling stomach pain? Nothing!

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And unlike some countries, we celebrate our cultural mosaic with pride. We don’t just push minorities into the background, we alternate between parading them out for photo ops and ignoring them entirely! Sure, there’s occasionally a few ruffled feathers over natural resources, or incarcerations, or suicides, or missing and murdered women, but it’s so easy to overlook our long history of human rights abuses when when breathing in that crisp spring air. MMmmm, that’s good!

And as long as you speak one of our two national languages (English and English), and you keep your religious practices on the down-low (and stay out of Winnipeg), you can live freely and in peace in the Great White North. We have zero tolerance for hate, unless it’s coming from the mouths of our political leaders, and our racism is so embedded in our national consciousness that as long as you’re white—and let’s hope that you are—you’ll barely even have to acknowledge it exists!


Don’t think about it too much; just stare into his eyes.

And did I mention how handsome our Prime Minister is?

So give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We have at least two-and-a-half years before we elect a fascist of our own, so why not spend that time in the greatest country in the world that isn’t Denmark, Sweden, or Iceland?

Come to Canada and help us maintain our ever-weakening facade of civility.

You’ll be glad you did.

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Doug Tilley

Doug Tilley

Doug Tilley is a lifelong geek, and an occasional pop-culture writer and podcaster. You can find his work on, where he regularly writes about microbudget movies and film-makers in his No-Budget Nightmares column. In 2011 he began the popular No-Budget Nightmares podcast with Moe Porne, with a second ludicrous podcast - Eric Roberts is the Fucking Man - following in 2015. According to friends, he's a pretty cool guy.