RIDE HIS TIGER: a BEEF BOYS Survival Guide to Enduring a BA Johnston Performance (spoilers)

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This Saturday, Hamilton’s self-proclaimed “fat lazy chud” B.A. Johnston returns to the Red Dog to sing songs about deep fried food and living with his mother, while getting progressively drunker, nakeder, and assaultier towards members of the audience. Earlier this week, local garage-rock band Beef Boys (who are opening for B.A.) sent Electric City Live a document, unsolicited and without warning. It is glorious, and shockingly accurate. It is reproduced below in its original form.


RIDE HIS TIGER
a BEEF BOYS survival guide to enduring a BA Johnston performance.
(spoilers)

 

1. Do not have EYEBROWS. He will call you EYEBROWS.

Note: Simply shaving off your eyebrows probably won’t save you.

Advice: Shave off your EYEBROWS and draw on normal eyebrows.

 

2. Do not sport OXFORD BUTTON DOWN SHIRTS. He will button them down and off.

Note: This includes FLANNELS. He will call you a lumberjack.

Advice: Shave off your OXFORD BUTTON DOWN SHIRT and draw on a normal shirt.

 

3. Do not sport a WHITE V-NECK T’S. He will tear it off your body.

Note: This is also true of raggedy ass CREW-NECK T’S. He will expose your shame

Advice: Shave off your WHITE V-NECK SHIRT and draw on a normal coloured shirt.

 

4. Do not HAVE A FULL BEER IN HAND. He will give it germs.

Note: He does this with his A) Mouth B) Fingers and C) Sweat

Advice: Shave off your hands and stand by the bar. He tends to help himself to the taps thus sparing your drink.

 

5. Do not STAND Still OR IN GROUPS OF 1’S,2’S OR 3’S. He will wrap you with his XLR cable.

Note: He is a master herdsman, but often takes the path of least resistance.

Advice: Never shave alone, never shave with one friend, never shave with two friends and always be on the move. Never stop to shave.

 

6. Do not COME. He will violate you.

Note: If you don’t come you won’t have fun ever again and three people you love will die eventually.

Advice: Come for the opening bands.


B.A. Johnston is live at the Red Dog this Saturday, September 13 with Beef Boys and Chubla (more info).

Read ECL’s review of a past B.A. show to find out more.

 

Photo by Scott Dancey.

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